Monday, June 14, 2010

Loss.


We lost another co-worker last week.

What is this – the 10th in the past 15 years? Or is it a dozen? I’ve lost count.

I don’t know what to make of loss anymore.

It used to be, I’d experience a loss – even a catastrophic one like when my Mom died – and I would move through it, and years would pass, and the hole would get a little smaller, and the sadness would lessen. I was able to reason it out. It’s just part of life. I was even kind of proud of my ability to survive and thrive after loss. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, right?

But I dunno anymore. I don’t feel like I’m processing losses properly. Stuff just kind of… happens. And it hits me, and I take the hit. I feel like I’ve been hit, but it doesn’t hurt. I just add it to the various facts stored in my head. “It’s 2010. The sky is blue. I live in California. I am alive. Karin Duran is dead. Karen Berkeland is dead. Joe Dabbour is dead. Antonio Calvo is dead. KC Sluter is dead. My mother is dead. My sister is dead.” And I just… keep moving forward, to quote “Meet the Robinsons”.

Hopefully, as long as I do that – as long as I keep moving forward – I’ll be okay.

But I do grow so, so weary of the losses…


4 comments:

Jessica Seuss said...

Oh Kate, I know how you feel. Sometimes, your heart can only take so much.

Deepest condolences.

darcie said...

I hear ya peaches. It sucks big donkey balls. I'm constantly looking around in awe at how much crap is being dealt.
Wondering what to say, what to do, what to bring...to the seemingly so many folks I know dealing with the unthinkable.
hang in there.
xoxo

leigh in the sav said...

Kate - you are in my thoughts. There's no sense to make of any of this. I feel the least any of us can do is appreciate the ones we do have in front of us... and always honor the ones who have passed.

As usual, easier said than done.

BIG, FAT, SWEATY GEORGIA HUGS TO YOU.

Miss K said...

A wonderful post.