Birthdays.

I have a birthday next week! I will be 45 years old.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I guess I'm kind of baffled. How can *I* be 45?! ::shrugs:: Wasn't I JUST running around with feathered hair, in Dolfin shorts and dangly day-glo plastic earrings, listening to Men Without Hats?! I dunno. I don't think I FEEL 45, but how is one supposed to feel at this age?

Time just flies. I look in the mirror, and I still see that young, generally happy, somewhat daffy young woman, struggling to make sense of the world. Trying -- and often failing -- to make sense of the people around her. But then I look at photos of myself, and I think, "Who is THAT?! She looks OLD and EXHAUSTED. Girlfriend need to CHILLAX."

I guess if you'd asked me 20 years ago, "How do you think you'll feel at 45?", I would not have expected the answer to be "powerless, ineffectual, disconnected, lost, perplexed, tired, worried." I used to think, as you get older, stuff just gets better and better, easier and easier, right?! While that's true in many ways (I like myself more now than ever, curiously; I'm so proud to be a parent; I am more wise about life and people; I have some financial security), in other ways, I have become a slave of sorts... a slave to responsibility. A slave to getting through each day while keeping my head above water. It is, in fact, my only goal each day. (Not very lofty, is it?) So, yeah, I guess I would have thought I'd be more "together" by now. I did not factor in how exhausting life is, and how it kinda wears one down. I would have thought I'd be in a better place mentally and emotionally, and thus able to accomplish more for myself, my family, and my friends on a daily basis.

But alas. This is all I have to offer at this point in time. Head above water? Check.

I hate for this to sound depressing. I don't mean it to be. I'm more just... musing to myself. I'm hopeful that things will improve for me, and I really am grateful for what I DO have: a stable job with good benefits (as of this moment, anyway); my boys and I have our health (kenahora); I have truly lovely, amazing friends who overlook my many shortcomings and help me get through my days. I feel so lucky to have these things. So very lucky...

And so, next week, when I turn 45, I will do as I always have: Just keep swimming. And when life perplexes me, I'll write about it. ;-)

(The image I used for this post is "The Star" tarot card, art by Thalia Took. The image upside down, or reversed, represents hopelessness. Look here for a more complete description.)


The Circle Game by Joni Mitchell

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star

Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like when you're older must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him take your time it won't be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game


© Siquomb Publishing Company